To everyone that has been following my saga,
I created this blog for two reasons: One, to keep a log of what it is that I have done to help my horse (and me) get through one of the toughest events that we have ever faced and, Two, to keep everyone posted on the care and status of both Parlay and me.
I have to apologize to everyone that is calling and emailing and texting me with questions or concerns or even just sympathy. Please know that I am having a very difficult time right now and I am just not up to talking. Know also that I am so very grateful for everything everyone has done and said and thought and prayed---it means the world to me. And to Parlay.
But for now, it needs to be just us two, so please do not be offended by the fact that I have kind of vanished. I will be back. I promise.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Light?
It has been a rough couple of weeks since the July 4th debacle. The event created a downward spiral for Parlay from which I am beginning to think that he can not recover. I can't say for sure that it was the circumstance or the subsequent record high temperatures or the different allergens floating around or if it is just time, but I think that I am getting to the end of my blog.
Parlay simply is not "bouncing back," as is characteristic of him. His respiration is labored and shallow and fast. His heart beat is very irregular and it feels very strong, yet appears to be ineffective. The coughing comes on less frequently, but I think that is because he is just becoming used to the sensation of heavy breathing. Parlay does not appear to be anxious, more tired and quiet.
Par hasn't finished a meal since July 4th. I was very concerned about weight loss, but it looked like he wasn't really loosing weight at all, which I found quite odd. However, looking at him now, I think that I can see the reason why.
Edema.
It truly is the beginning of the end. Fluid is building up around his lower mid line and it is not going away. His sheath has become slightly swollen as well. He is moving rather oddly (being that he has always been a beautiful mover, this is kind of painful to see) and I am guessing it is because of the weird way his body is holding this water weight. He does not seem to be painful, but I wonder how long that can last.
I have been giving him up to 3 Lasix injections a day for the past week. He is also getting some banamine to combat some of the swelling, although I am not sure it is doing much. The supplements are pointless because he simply is not eating enough to get them. Anything that I feel is "non-negotiable" goes into a syringe for an oral dosing--like electrolytes and the Accupril.
Tonight we even tried some oxygen. Talk about heroic effort. It seems insane to actually put it in type, but I just want him to feel better--even if just for a day. Not to prolong his life, per se, but to make what is left peaceful and easy. For both of us.
The emotion that is taking over has been unbearable for me. I am coming to the realization that, ultimately, I am going to be responsible for making a decision for my stoic horse who will simply not lie down and give up. It is eating me alive because I cannot get a clear read on what it is that Parlay wants or needs.
I wonder if Parlay is looking for the light... you know-- "THE LIGHT." Does he know that his time is almost up? Does he care? Would he like me to expedite the process or slow it down?
Over the past few days, I have spent quite a bit of time with Parlay. It seems as if grass is the only thing that Par seems most interested in, so we spend plenty of time perusing the yard and picking out only the best grasses and most delicious weeds. I talk to him constantly. I watch him and listen for any thoughts that he might care to impart. I reminisce and laugh and thank him and gush over him. I give him as many treats as he will eat (although he is loosing his taste for mostly everything it seems).
I tell him that it is okay to go. Maybe I am not saying it with enough sincerity. Probably because it isn't necessarily true. I don't want him to go. I never want him to go. But I don't want him to stay for me if he is miserable. How do you tell? My judgement seems so cloudy. I beg God for clarity. I beg Parlay to just give me some signs-- but, again, perhaps every sign is right there and I am not seeing it because I am blind or am choosing not to see.
In my defense, my tears are making everything so blurry. My stomach aches and my heart hurts. My brain aches and my soul is utterly darkened. So, I had to ask for back up. I asked my friend Kim to come over and see Parlay. Kim has cared for Parlay for years and probably knows him better than anyone else. I was kind of hoping that she would be able to help me with clarity. In actuality, I was kind of hoping that she would see Parlay and tell me that he was looking good.
Fortunately or unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate with our scheduled visit. With a day gone by, I realize that I am probably grasping at straws. I think that I know what I see. I thought maybe a second set of eyes would see something different, but truthfully, I know where this is headed.
I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't want to be the one that sends Parlay away. I want so badly for it to be his choice. He has always stubbornly chosen everything that he has wanted. And I think to myself, What does he want me to do?? Would he have me end his life? Is he ready to go? Can I do this with dignity and compassion and with peace?
Please God, help me.
So, as our 12 months winds up, almost to the day, I am faced with the end. The journey is almost over. I feel it. I know it. And now we just need to figure out the conclusion to our story.
I am not sure that this will be continued...
Parlay simply is not "bouncing back," as is characteristic of him. His respiration is labored and shallow and fast. His heart beat is very irregular and it feels very strong, yet appears to be ineffective. The coughing comes on less frequently, but I think that is because he is just becoming used to the sensation of heavy breathing. Parlay does not appear to be anxious, more tired and quiet.
Par hasn't finished a meal since July 4th. I was very concerned about weight loss, but it looked like he wasn't really loosing weight at all, which I found quite odd. However, looking at him now, I think that I can see the reason why.
Edema.
It truly is the beginning of the end. Fluid is building up around his lower mid line and it is not going away. His sheath has become slightly swollen as well. He is moving rather oddly (being that he has always been a beautiful mover, this is kind of painful to see) and I am guessing it is because of the weird way his body is holding this water weight. He does not seem to be painful, but I wonder how long that can last.
I have been giving him up to 3 Lasix injections a day for the past week. He is also getting some banamine to combat some of the swelling, although I am not sure it is doing much. The supplements are pointless because he simply is not eating enough to get them. Anything that I feel is "non-negotiable" goes into a syringe for an oral dosing--like electrolytes and the Accupril.
Tonight we even tried some oxygen. Talk about heroic effort. It seems insane to actually put it in type, but I just want him to feel better--even if just for a day. Not to prolong his life, per se, but to make what is left peaceful and easy. For both of us.
The emotion that is taking over has been unbearable for me. I am coming to the realization that, ultimately, I am going to be responsible for making a decision for my stoic horse who will simply not lie down and give up. It is eating me alive because I cannot get a clear read on what it is that Parlay wants or needs.
I wonder if Parlay is looking for the light... you know-- "THE LIGHT." Does he know that his time is almost up? Does he care? Would he like me to expedite the process or slow it down?
Over the past few days, I have spent quite a bit of time with Parlay. It seems as if grass is the only thing that Par seems most interested in, so we spend plenty of time perusing the yard and picking out only the best grasses and most delicious weeds. I talk to him constantly. I watch him and listen for any thoughts that he might care to impart. I reminisce and laugh and thank him and gush over him. I give him as many treats as he will eat (although he is loosing his taste for mostly everything it seems).
I tell him that it is okay to go. Maybe I am not saying it with enough sincerity. Probably because it isn't necessarily true. I don't want him to go. I never want him to go. But I don't want him to stay for me if he is miserable. How do you tell? My judgement seems so cloudy. I beg God for clarity. I beg Parlay to just give me some signs-- but, again, perhaps every sign is right there and I am not seeing it because I am blind or am choosing not to see.
In my defense, my tears are making everything so blurry. My stomach aches and my heart hurts. My brain aches and my soul is utterly darkened. So, I had to ask for back up. I asked my friend Kim to come over and see Parlay. Kim has cared for Parlay for years and probably knows him better than anyone else. I was kind of hoping that she would be able to help me with clarity. In actuality, I was kind of hoping that she would see Parlay and tell me that he was looking good.
Fortunately or unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate with our scheduled visit. With a day gone by, I realize that I am probably grasping at straws. I think that I know what I see. I thought maybe a second set of eyes would see something different, but truthfully, I know where this is headed.
I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't want to be the one that sends Parlay away. I want so badly for it to be his choice. He has always stubbornly chosen everything that he has wanted. And I think to myself, What does he want me to do?? Would he have me end his life? Is he ready to go? Can I do this with dignity and compassion and with peace?
Please God, help me.
So, as our 12 months winds up, almost to the day, I am faced with the end. The journey is almost over. I feel it. I know it. And now we just need to figure out the conclusion to our story.
I am not sure that this will be continued...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
When is Enough enough?
Today has been difficult for my old man. The air is heavy and hot, like being inside of a clothes dryer. I guess I should be happy that the humidity is relatively low.
The coughing led me to giving him a dose of Banamine. It seems to relax him a bit and that is what he needs. He still hasn't consumed an entire meal. He is totally disinterested in his favorite treat--root beer barrels--however did take a few carrots from me.
Perhaps he is worried about his dental hygiene?
So it leads me to wonder, while I look at my huffing and puffing horse-- when IS enough enough? Will I be able to make a decision? Can he just make it for himself?? Maybe he is-- Curse this part. Curse it to hell.
I am going out to check on him for the 12th or 13th time today. He is sick of me, but too bad. I have to keep on validating my decisions. Keep asking God to see him through my eyes and help me to do what is right. To have Parlay look at me and try to get whatever vibes I can from him to do whatever it is that he needs.
When IS enough enough??
The coughing led me to giving him a dose of Banamine. It seems to relax him a bit and that is what he needs. He still hasn't consumed an entire meal. He is totally disinterested in his favorite treat--root beer barrels--however did take a few carrots from me.
Perhaps he is worried about his dental hygiene?
So it leads me to wonder, while I look at my huffing and puffing horse-- when IS enough enough? Will I be able to make a decision? Can he just make it for himself?? Maybe he is-- Curse this part. Curse it to hell.
I am going out to check on him for the 12th or 13th time today. He is sick of me, but too bad. I have to keep on validating my decisions. Keep asking God to see him through my eyes and help me to do what is right. To have Parlay look at me and try to get whatever vibes I can from him to do whatever it is that he needs.
When IS enough enough??
Almost a year...
It's been almost a year since Parlay was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. His death sentence postponed for quite a while, considering the grim prognosis of 3 to 6 months all those months ago.
It is still a balancing act every day with him. Parlay still eats sporadically, turning his nose up to things here and there and making me work at getting him fed and keeping him looking good.
I am constantly playing with the medication and nutraceuticals. Herbs and powders and all kinds of supplements. And Lasix. The life extending furosemide. Continually adjusting dosages and timing and number of shots daily...
It has been a challenging ride.
And, with the weather today, I take a step back and reminisce about how ugly it all was a year ago.
The weather has been just horrible. The heat index today was above 100 degrees and the reports are that it is going to stay like this for a few more days. Parlay is noticeably uncomfortable. It was going pretty well up until a few days ago.
Parlay has been struggling since July 4th. We had a bit of an "incident," here with my neighbors sending off fireworks above the horse paddock. All of the boys were dashing around a bit and it really through Parlay into a tailspin. Pulse and respiration were way up and have not really come down. The coughing is back with vigor. He has not eaten a full meal since that night, choosing instead to kind of pick at the food. I am not sure if the incident is the cause or the drastic weather is the culprit, but whatever it is, I have my hands full. Again.
Par has been on twice a day Lasix (7-8 mL per dose) for well over a week. Naturally, Lasix is in hot demand these days and pretty hard to find. I have had a couple of scares as I got to the wire waiting for it.
He is also getting Accupril (120 mg) once a day. I thought about taking him off of it, but my contact at Cornell says that it is probably helping more than I know. So, he stays on it.
He is getting Magnesium Oxide, an Omega 3 supplement, 2 different types of electrolytes and MSM. I have cut out all of the herbal remedies for the coughing--it didn't seem like they were doing enough and he was starting to snub them in the food.
He still gets CoQ10 and Hawthorne and Rescue Remedy. I am considering adding dandelion (an herbal diuretic) to see if I can use that to reduce the amount of Lasix again.
But now is not the time to be switching anything up. He has his hooves full trying to keep up with the thick air quality right now. Tonight I gave him a nebulizer treatment of Albuterol Sulfate. I haven't done that in quite a while and I am hoping that it gives him some relief.
It is 1:45 AM and I will probably go out and check on him again in a few minutes. Back to sleepless nights, it would appear.
As I become more woozy from the lack of sleep, I wonder if I will finally just bring him inside to the air conditioning...
It is still a balancing act every day with him. Parlay still eats sporadically, turning his nose up to things here and there and making me work at getting him fed and keeping him looking good.
I am constantly playing with the medication and nutraceuticals. Herbs and powders and all kinds of supplements. And Lasix. The life extending furosemide. Continually adjusting dosages and timing and number of shots daily...
It has been a challenging ride.
And, with the weather today, I take a step back and reminisce about how ugly it all was a year ago.
The weather has been just horrible. The heat index today was above 100 degrees and the reports are that it is going to stay like this for a few more days. Parlay is noticeably uncomfortable. It was going pretty well up until a few days ago.
Parlay has been struggling since July 4th. We had a bit of an "incident," here with my neighbors sending off fireworks above the horse paddock. All of the boys were dashing around a bit and it really through Parlay into a tailspin. Pulse and respiration were way up and have not really come down. The coughing is back with vigor. He has not eaten a full meal since that night, choosing instead to kind of pick at the food. I am not sure if the incident is the cause or the drastic weather is the culprit, but whatever it is, I have my hands full. Again.
Par has been on twice a day Lasix (7-8 mL per dose) for well over a week. Naturally, Lasix is in hot demand these days and pretty hard to find. I have had a couple of scares as I got to the wire waiting for it.
He is also getting Accupril (120 mg) once a day. I thought about taking him off of it, but my contact at Cornell says that it is probably helping more than I know. So, he stays on it.
He is getting Magnesium Oxide, an Omega 3 supplement, 2 different types of electrolytes and MSM. I have cut out all of the herbal remedies for the coughing--it didn't seem like they were doing enough and he was starting to snub them in the food.
He still gets CoQ10 and Hawthorne and Rescue Remedy. I am considering adding dandelion (an herbal diuretic) to see if I can use that to reduce the amount of Lasix again.
But now is not the time to be switching anything up. He has his hooves full trying to keep up with the thick air quality right now. Tonight I gave him a nebulizer treatment of Albuterol Sulfate. I haven't done that in quite a while and I am hoping that it gives him some relief.
It is 1:45 AM and I will probably go out and check on him again in a few minutes. Back to sleepless nights, it would appear.
As I become more woozy from the lack of sleep, I wonder if I will finally just bring him inside to the air conditioning...
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