The Light?

It has been a rough couple of weeks since the July 4th debacle. The event created a downward spiral for Parlay from which I am beginning to think that he can not recover. I can't say for sure that it was the circumstance or the subsequent record high temperatures or the different allergens floating around or if it is just time, but I think that I am getting to the end of my blog.

Parlay simply is not "bouncing back," as is characteristic of him. His respiration is labored and shallow and fast. His heart beat is very irregular and it feels very strong, yet appears to be ineffective. The coughing comes on less frequently, but I think that is because he is just becoming used to the sensation of heavy breathing. Parlay does not appear to be anxious, more tired and quiet.

Par hasn't finished a meal since July 4th. I was very concerned about weight loss, but it looked like he wasn't really loosing weight at all, which I found quite odd. However, looking at him now, I think that I can see the reason why.

Edema.

It truly is the beginning of the end. Fluid is building up around his lower mid line and it is not going away. His sheath has become slightly swollen as well. He is moving rather oddly (being that he has always been a beautiful mover, this is kind of painful to see) and I am guessing it is because of the weird way his body is holding this water weight. He does not seem to be painful, but I wonder how long that can last.

I have been giving him up to 3 Lasix injections a day for the past week. He is also getting some banamine to combat some of the swelling, although I am not sure it is doing much. The supplements are pointless because he simply is not eating enough to get them. Anything that I feel is "non-negotiable" goes into a syringe for an oral dosing--like electrolytes and the Accupril.

Tonight we even tried some oxygen. Talk about heroic effort. It seems insane to actually put it in type, but I just want him to feel better--even if just for a day. Not to prolong his life, per se, but to make what is left peaceful and easy. For both of us.

The emotion that is taking over has been unbearable for me. I am coming to the realization that, ultimately, I am going to be responsible for making a decision for my stoic horse who will simply not lie down and give up. It is eating me alive because I cannot get a clear read on what it is that Parlay wants or needs.

I wonder if Parlay is looking for the light... you know-- "THE LIGHT." Does he know that his time is almost up? Does he care? Would he like me to expedite the process or slow it down?

Over the past few days, I have spent quite a bit of time with Parlay. It seems as if grass is the only thing that Par seems most interested in, so we spend plenty of time perusing the yard and picking out only the best grasses and most delicious weeds. I talk to him constantly. I watch him and listen for any thoughts that he might care to impart. I reminisce and laugh and thank him and gush over him. I give him as many treats as he will eat (although he is loosing his taste for mostly everything it seems).

I tell him that it is okay to go. Maybe I am not saying it with enough sincerity. Probably because it isn't necessarily true. I don't want him to go. I never want him to go. But I don't want him to stay for me if he is miserable. How do you tell? My judgement seems so cloudy. I beg God for clarity. I beg Parlay to just give me some signs-- but, again, perhaps every sign is right there and I am not seeing it because I am blind or am choosing not to see.

In my defense, my tears are making everything so blurry. My stomach aches and my heart hurts. My brain aches and my soul is utterly darkened. So, I had to ask for back up. I asked my friend Kim to come over and see Parlay. Kim has cared for Parlay for years and probably knows him better than anyone else. I was kind of hoping that she would be able to help me with clarity. In actuality, I was kind of hoping that she would see Parlay and tell me that he was looking good.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate with our scheduled visit. With a day gone by, I realize that I am probably grasping at straws. I think that I know what I see. I thought maybe a second set of eyes would see something different, but truthfully, I know where this is headed.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't want to be the one that sends Parlay away. I want so badly for it to be his choice. He has always stubbornly chosen everything that he has wanted. And I think to myself, What does he want me to do?? Would he have me end his life? Is he ready to go? Can I do this with dignity and compassion and with peace?

Please God, help me.

So, as our 12 months winds up, almost to the day, I am faced with the end. The journey is almost over. I feel it. I know it. And now we just need to figure out the conclusion to our story.

I am not sure that this will be continued...