The Perseids

I went out to do a bed check tonight with carrots in hand.

I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the Perseid meteor showers. I wanted to see the shooting stars. To make a wish or two. I wanted to envision Parlay prancing among those heavenly bodies...

He's gone. It's been weeks and it has taken me so long to just put thoughts together to face the reality of it all. I miss him terribly. My heart aches with loss. It was the worst day of my life; the day that I had to let him go.

The past year has been so crazy--balancing meds and therapies and homeopathy...I don't begrudge a moment of it and the varying levels of success were worth each step that we took. I am glad that I was able to keep him looking and feeling as good as I could for as long as I did.

But I knew the heat and humidity of the summer was going to make it difficult to continue. I knew it was coming. I was watching Parlay so carefully--monitoring his quality of life. I could see the decline. He was fighting so hard to deny it and perhaps so was I. The Lasix was not having the same effect. The supplements were going uneaten in the pail. Everything was starting to crumble and it was happening quickly.

I knew in my heart that Parlay was not going to go quietly. He was never a quitter. Ultimately, Parlay was going to leave it to me to choose. Maybe this was the lesson that I had left to learn. The lesson of dignity? The lesson of unselfish behavior? I simply don't know, but this past July 16th, almost a year after his diagnosis, Parlay forced me to make the decision to let him go.

My heart is broken. The herd is still trying to recover from the loss of their leader. The stillness that surrounds my place resonates in my ears. I miss his nicker. I miss his order. My emptiness is tangible and it hurts deeply.

I thought that perhaps I needed my privacy. I ran away that fateful Friday. Far, far away for a few days. I needed to get away from my place and the darkness that it seemed to hold. Running away was a temporary fix for my grieving. I came home to that same emptiness and sadness and boy, it took a long time to come to grips with it all.

But I think that I am, finally. I will miss Parlay every day. He was my partner and best friend. My "mirror image," who saw my good times and my bad times. Twenty four years of a life together---the longest relationship, outside of my family, that I have ever had.

On that fateful day, I know that Parlay laid down in my love. I am sure that he met God and the rest of his friends as he took those last couple of galloping steps and breathed in that last breath... I whispered my goodbyes and told him that I would see him soon...

So, I looked to the night sky. To the stars and the meteor showers. I smile through tears and imagine the Parlay I knew so many years ago--ripping through the fields, chasing the wind. I know that I will never truly be without him. He is in my heart and I will never be alone.

I will miss you forever, my beloved Arabian, Parlay.

RD PARLAY
4/16/1984-6/16/2010

Apologies...

To everyone that has been following my saga,

I created this blog for two reasons: One, to keep a log of what it is that I have done to help my horse (and me) get through one of the toughest events that we have ever faced and, Two, to keep everyone posted on the care and status of both Parlay and me.

I have to apologize to everyone that is calling and emailing and texting me with questions or concerns or even just sympathy. Please know that I am having a very difficult time right now and I am just not up to talking. Know also that I am so very grateful for everything everyone has done and said and thought and prayed---it means the world to me. And to Parlay.

But for now, it needs to be just us two, so please do not be offended by the fact that I have kind of vanished. I will be back. I promise.

The Light?

It has been a rough couple of weeks since the July 4th debacle. The event created a downward spiral for Parlay from which I am beginning to think that he can not recover. I can't say for sure that it was the circumstance or the subsequent record high temperatures or the different allergens floating around or if it is just time, but I think that I am getting to the end of my blog.

Parlay simply is not "bouncing back," as is characteristic of him. His respiration is labored and shallow and fast. His heart beat is very irregular and it feels very strong, yet appears to be ineffective. The coughing comes on less frequently, but I think that is because he is just becoming used to the sensation of heavy breathing. Parlay does not appear to be anxious, more tired and quiet.

Par hasn't finished a meal since July 4th. I was very concerned about weight loss, but it looked like he wasn't really loosing weight at all, which I found quite odd. However, looking at him now, I think that I can see the reason why.

Edema.

It truly is the beginning of the end. Fluid is building up around his lower mid line and it is not going away. His sheath has become slightly swollen as well. He is moving rather oddly (being that he has always been a beautiful mover, this is kind of painful to see) and I am guessing it is because of the weird way his body is holding this water weight. He does not seem to be painful, but I wonder how long that can last.

I have been giving him up to 3 Lasix injections a day for the past week. He is also getting some banamine to combat some of the swelling, although I am not sure it is doing much. The supplements are pointless because he simply is not eating enough to get them. Anything that I feel is "non-negotiable" goes into a syringe for an oral dosing--like electrolytes and the Accupril.

Tonight we even tried some oxygen. Talk about heroic effort. It seems insane to actually put it in type, but I just want him to feel better--even if just for a day. Not to prolong his life, per se, but to make what is left peaceful and easy. For both of us.

The emotion that is taking over has been unbearable for me. I am coming to the realization that, ultimately, I am going to be responsible for making a decision for my stoic horse who will simply not lie down and give up. It is eating me alive because I cannot get a clear read on what it is that Parlay wants or needs.

I wonder if Parlay is looking for the light... you know-- "THE LIGHT." Does he know that his time is almost up? Does he care? Would he like me to expedite the process or slow it down?

Over the past few days, I have spent quite a bit of time with Parlay. It seems as if grass is the only thing that Par seems most interested in, so we spend plenty of time perusing the yard and picking out only the best grasses and most delicious weeds. I talk to him constantly. I watch him and listen for any thoughts that he might care to impart. I reminisce and laugh and thank him and gush over him. I give him as many treats as he will eat (although he is loosing his taste for mostly everything it seems).

I tell him that it is okay to go. Maybe I am not saying it with enough sincerity. Probably because it isn't necessarily true. I don't want him to go. I never want him to go. But I don't want him to stay for me if he is miserable. How do you tell? My judgement seems so cloudy. I beg God for clarity. I beg Parlay to just give me some signs-- but, again, perhaps every sign is right there and I am not seeing it because I am blind or am choosing not to see.

In my defense, my tears are making everything so blurry. My stomach aches and my heart hurts. My brain aches and my soul is utterly darkened. So, I had to ask for back up. I asked my friend Kim to come over and see Parlay. Kim has cared for Parlay for years and probably knows him better than anyone else. I was kind of hoping that she would be able to help me with clarity. In actuality, I was kind of hoping that she would see Parlay and tell me that he was looking good.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate with our scheduled visit. With a day gone by, I realize that I am probably grasping at straws. I think that I know what I see. I thought maybe a second set of eyes would see something different, but truthfully, I know where this is headed.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't want to be the one that sends Parlay away. I want so badly for it to be his choice. He has always stubbornly chosen everything that he has wanted. And I think to myself, What does he want me to do?? Would he have me end his life? Is he ready to go? Can I do this with dignity and compassion and with peace?

Please God, help me.

So, as our 12 months winds up, almost to the day, I am faced with the end. The journey is almost over. I feel it. I know it. And now we just need to figure out the conclusion to our story.

I am not sure that this will be continued...

When is Enough enough?

Today has been difficult for my old man. The air is heavy and hot, like being inside of a clothes dryer. I guess I should be happy that the humidity is relatively low.

The coughing led me to giving him a dose of Banamine. It seems to relax him a bit and that is what he needs. He still hasn't consumed an entire meal. He is totally disinterested in his favorite treat--root beer barrels--however did take a few carrots from me.

Perhaps he is worried about his dental hygiene?

So it leads me to wonder, while I look at my huffing and puffing horse-- when IS enough enough? Will I be able to make a decision? Can he just make it for himself?? Maybe he is-- Curse this part. Curse it to hell.

I am going out to check on him for the 12th or 13th time today. He is sick of me, but too bad. I have to keep on validating my decisions. Keep asking God to see him through my eyes and help me to do what is right. To have Parlay look at me and try to get whatever vibes I can from him to do whatever it is that he needs.

When IS enough enough??

Almost a year...

It's been almost a year since Parlay was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. His death sentence postponed for quite a while, considering the grim prognosis of 3 to 6 months all those months ago.

It is still a balancing act every day with him. Parlay still eats sporadically, turning his nose up to things here and there and making me work at getting him fed and keeping him looking good.

I am constantly playing with the medication and nutraceuticals. Herbs and powders and all kinds of supplements. And Lasix. The life extending furosemide. Continually adjusting dosages and timing and number of shots daily...

It has been a challenging ride.

And, with the weather today, I take a step back and reminisce about how ugly it all was a year ago.

The weather has been just horrible. The heat index today was above 100 degrees and the reports are that it is going to stay like this for a few more days. Parlay is noticeably uncomfortable. It was going pretty well up until a few days ago.

Parlay has been struggling since July 4th. We had a bit of an "incident," here with my neighbors sending off fireworks above the horse paddock. All of the boys were dashing around a bit and it really through Parlay into a tailspin. Pulse and respiration were way up and have not really come down. The coughing is back with vigor. He has not eaten a full meal since that night, choosing instead to kind of pick at the food. I am not sure if the incident is the cause or the drastic weather is the culprit, but whatever it is, I have my hands full. Again.

Par has been on twice a day Lasix (7-8 mL per dose) for well over a week. Naturally, Lasix is in hot demand these days and pretty hard to find. I have had a couple of scares as I got to the wire waiting for it.

He is also getting Accupril (120 mg) once a day. I thought about taking him off of it, but my contact at Cornell says that it is probably helping more than I know. So, he stays on it.

He is getting Magnesium Oxide, an Omega 3 supplement, 2 different types of electrolytes and MSM. I have cut out all of the herbal remedies for the coughing--it didn't seem like they were doing enough and he was starting to snub them in the food.

He still gets CoQ10 and Hawthorne and Rescue Remedy. I am considering adding dandelion (an herbal diuretic) to see if I can use that to reduce the amount of Lasix again.

But now is not the time to be switching anything up. He has his hooves full trying to keep up with the thick air quality right now. Tonight I gave him a nebulizer treatment of Albuterol Sulfate. I haven't done that in quite a while and I am hoping that it gives him some relief.

It is 1:45 AM and I will probably go out and check on him again in a few minutes. Back to sleepless nights, it would appear.

As I become more woozy from the lack of sleep, I wonder if I will finally just bring him inside to the air conditioning...

NEXT!

So, the mouth thing came and went. Did the banamine and mush feedings and had the dentist out. The dentist looked all over and found nothing so worrisome, so I am going to leave Parlay alone for the moment. The Dentist says that he will do a good job next year. I loved the sound of that...next year...

=-)

Love my Dentist, Bill Schultz!!

Anyway, the weather has been mild and dry---great for a horse that has some breathing difficulties. The grass is coming up nicely and Parlay is enjoying eating it in front of the other boys. I think that I see him pointing his nose in their direction so that they can see him chewing. Meanie.

Parlay is shedding out nicely and actually looks pretty good. I would still like to see him up about 50 pounds, but I think that i have been saying that every year for the past 20+ years... LOL! Why should this year be any different??

So, Parlay is standing outside of my window, munching on grass and coughing lightly.

Bill says next year. I am hoping so...

It never ends

New development. Not a good one. Parlay has something wrong in his mouth. Not sure what, but he has stopped eating. He makes faces at me. Something is wrong.

Called the vet and the dentist. This is a horse that CANNOT miss a meal! The vet got back to me first, so I told her to come out. Naturally, we can't find anything that would be causing this reaction, per se.

The dentist will come in the next few days. CURSES!! In the meantime, banamine and mush. And Lasix. And Accupril. And all of the other stuff...

(sigh)

The things we do for love...

Notes to the vet

Thank God for my local vet and my not-so-local equine cardiologist. I cannot imagine how I would have gotten this far without them.

My local vet, Dr. Jenny Kimble, is so completely supportive and helpful. She listens to me when my voice is breaking. She hears me out on my thoughts about treatment plans and encourages me to keep trying. She is patient and kind and it means so much to me to have her on our team.

Thanks Dr. Jen.

And Dr. Sophy Jesty, from Cornell. I have never met this woman in person, but she has had so much impact on what I have done to keep Parlay here and in the best condition that I can. Dr. Jesty answers my emails, adds her incredible breadth of knowledge and input to my treatment plan for Parlay and asks for nothing in return. She is also supportive and thoughtful and sympathetic when needed.

Thanks to you too, Dr. Jesty.

I owe a lot to these strong women for the strength that they are lending me.

Especially now. It is getting harder. I know that the summer heat is going to be a true test for Parlay and I am bracing myself for the battle. I understand that he may not win this one. I watch. I pray. I continue to research and provide the best supportive care that I can.

I prepare.

I think that I am anyway. I see the "plot" area every day. I have a memorial stone. I washed his blanket and cleaned his personal leather halter. I have discussed *arrangements* with my excavator. I keep going through the motions so that when the inevitable happens, I won't be without a plan. A plan that could be enacted by anyone. Anyone other than me. Because when this fateful day arrives, and the terror of the unknown takes over, and the reality of loosing my best friend arrives, my cry will go up to God, but my family is going to have to take over.

The tears come more often. Like the fits of coughing. Like the increased respiration.

As the warm fuzzy nose rubs on my body and the soft brown eyes meet mine, we have our unspoken conversation every day. I find myself asking Parlay if he is doing okay. I ask him if I am doing okay. It seems like we silently stand and contemplate the next few hours. Par seems satisfied that all is well and walks off to check out the hay piles. I stand and watch him move away--assessing his condition and attitude and making sure that I am reading it all right.

And I pray. I pray every day. Several times a day. For a horse. Not just any horse. My horse. My friend. My trusted partner. My soul mate.

A piece of me is dying and it feels so heavy. It's the burden that every pet owner has to bear. Damn. It's the burden that anyone that has felt true love has to bear.

I hope that I can do this with dignity. For Parlay and for me.

Day 5 of the Qunipril

Last week I added 120 mg of Quinipril (Accupril) to Parlay's menu of "stuff" to help him cope.

I can't say that I have seen a huge difference at this point, but am going to give it another week. He is still coughing pretty regularly, but doesn't seem particularly distressed. His respiration rate was at 32 bpm yesterday mid morning. Not overly high (since this whole mess began) and obviously not nearly normal.

The heart rate is a true mystery. I cringe when I check it. There is no rhythm at all. I don't bother counting anymore. I just check it to see if it seems any more regular or irregular and then stop. Otherwise, it just gives me something more to worry about. Who needs that?

Parlay is also shedding like crazy. I spend an inordinate amount of time grooming him (much to his chagrin) but he is starting to look pretty darn good for an old, dying horse! If you had asked my vet, back in the fall, if I would have been shedding Par out this spring, I am guessing the answer would have been no. Actually, I am not so sure that I believed that I would be shedding him out this spring. I guess that it is TRUELY a blessing and a curse! LOL!

I am still trying to get his weight up slightly, as his last episode in February really took it off. Although you can't really see the ribs unless you look closely, you sure can feel them. I am hoping that he doesn't look like a skeleton once all of the hair comes out.

So, for now, Parlay is still his sassy self. He savagely went after Q last night at dinner time (sigh) so he is obviously not ready to throw in the towel yet. More to come...

It's been a while...

since my last post. For a while there, I had nothing really to report. Parlay has had his good days and his bad days. On his good days, Parlay looks vibrant and happy-- you would never really know that anything was wrong with him--Unless you sat and counted the respiration.

Parlay's bad days are days with coughing, flared nostrils, irregular heartbeat and elevated respiration. They are coming with more regularity now.

Over the past couple of weeks, I realized that I cannot even measure the heart rate anymore. There is no rhythm left to it. My vet continues to be astounded that he is looking and doing as good as he is. I look at him one day and say, "this is going to pass," and then I look at him another and say, "Oh my God, I am going to loose him." The weirdest thing that I had to do this spring was to not pull a Coggins on him. There was no reason to--he isn't going anywhere-- a very sad revelation on my part.

I am still maintaining Parlay on Lasix--not daily, but when he seems to be pretty distressed. He hates it. I guess it makes him uncomfortable. The injection, the merciless uncontrollable peeing, the weird taste it must give to his food. I am not certain that it truly helps him anyway. There are days when he actually seems worse after an injection. Can't explain that.

I also give him a slew of "stuff." He gets Wendall's Herbs, "Respiration," Fat Cat, Cough Free Powder, Magnesium Oxide, Omega Oils, NeighLox and Ration Plus. He also still gets his CoQ10 and I am going to be calling in a prescription for Quinapril/Accupril today. I may actually go ahead and try the Digoxin and perhaps a Beta blocker or Angiotensin II (A-II) receptor blocker, such as losartan and valsartan--while these haven't been studied extensively in people with congestive heart failure, I like the idea that these don't have the same side effect of the persistent cough.

Why am I going to such lengths? I don't know. I guess my thought is that he should be as comfortable and prepared to face daily life as possible. Until he can't.

I still feed him his regular ration of about 4 lbs of 14% Nutrena Compete with about 1/4 lb of beet pulp added with water. I have been giving him lunch with some regularity, because he simply is not keeping weight on.

It's been quite a ride, I guess.

Meanwhile, I just keep myself busy and continue to spoil the crap out of him. I swear, Parlay is going to be orange inside from the amount of carrots he is consuming. And, he will probably not have any teeth left from the decay that the pounds of root beer barrels are causing! LOL!

I love my old man. I want to make him happy and comfortable and I hope that this goes easily--for him AND for me. So far he is continuing to be his stoic self; not really complaining and still the boss of my herd. I watch him carefully for any signs that he might be giving me, but as of now, he is mostly just Parlay--independent, bossy, cranky, pushy--It's his way. And I have to admit, I am happy to see it.

Thanks to Dean for setting up better lighting in my barn, I find myself standing in Parlay's stall at all hours of the night just stroking him and talking to him. You should SEE the bags under my eyes! I think he is bored with all the attention, but he tolerates it from me. It is always amazing to me to realize that animals just live in the moment. He certainly is not thinking that his life is coming to an end. I am sure that he sees this retirement with a bit of resentment and that I am offering all of the treats as a peace offering!

In all of my years of being around horses, I have never had to go through what I am about to. I understand all too well about life and death, yet I cannot seem to prepare myself--even with all of this time that God has allowed me to have. I am starting to go through the motions of preparations, but it is a surreal experience. Like a dream.

Sadly, every day, I realize that I miss him already. He is my partner and my friend and, while I will always have horses in my life, I cannot imagine that I will ever truly share the same type of bond that I have with my Poohbear.